For the last few months I have really struggled with wondering if this profession was right for me. Am I good enough? Am I patient enough? Do I have the needed classroom management skills? Will people take me seriously? The list felt like it went on and on. I completely doubted my abilities and let anxiety take hold of me. In the weeks leading up to student teaching I really prayed about these feelings. I talked to God and said” If this is my calling, if this is where you want me to be please take away all of these feelings of doubt and negativity. Allow me to serve these children and show them compassion, patience and ultimately love (the prayer continued to be something much lengthier, but you get the idea). In the days leading up to my first day I honestly still felt a little uncertain. I just couldn’t shake the doubt. I knew that this experience was going to be hard and different then anything I was used to. I am really not good with any type of change and it takes me a long time to adjust to the “new”. But, after lots of prayers and talks with my mom I decided to go into the next 4 months with an open mind, trusting the Lords plan for me. Even if in the end it meant I wasn’t going to use my credential for awhile or ultimately at all.
Then I went back to Kindergarten. Ever since that day I have been exhausted, but in a good way. The way that makes you feel accomplished and complete at the end of every school day. I have been paired with an amazing master teacher, she is in every way exactly the teacher I hope to become in the near future and I have already learned so much from her. (Thanks, Monica. You are one of a kind!) It is now nearing week 6 and my days with my kindergarteners will be coming to an end all to soon. I cant help but feel grateful for the early mornings, long Fridays, and countless colds I have had. These students have already taught me more about innocence, strength, and playfulness then I have learned in my life thus far. In teaching I have found that a five year olds laughter can turn any bad day around. A student always lends a hug at the perfect time. Silliness is okay. Dancing for P.E & snack time is, well, the best time of the day (depending on the snack of course). Life is always better when we talk with our friends. It’s okay to not have a turn…and its also okay to be just a little sad about it. Forgiveness is endless & everyday is a new day. My struggles don’t seem like much anymore and the anxieties no longer linger. I mean, how can then when I play, laugh & learn with the purest of hearts? My prayer has changed now, I pray to be the best I can everyday for these students. I pray these students have dinner and a warm place to sleep. I pray they are safe every night. I pray they make it to school the next day. But most importantly I pray they are loved when they get home and reminded just how important they are. I know now that I am enough and the things I was so uncertain about often come with experience and time. Its okay to be uncomfortable, its okay to doubt yourself (but only for a little while, you’re so much stronger then than you think). It’s okay to question what God has in store for you because often times that means its something BIG. Especially if it scares you. As the anxiety settles my heart only grows more for this profession and the impact it has on so many little minds.
I am already humbled by this experience and the little lives that have made such a huge impact on mine. Their warm good mornings, sleepy eyes, and thank you’s make every day worth it. Praise to the good Lord above for placing me right where I needed to be at exactly the right time. Though I don’t know where the next few years will take me I am going to continue this experience with an open heart, allowing God to guide me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11
Shout out to all you teachers, you make a difference every single day. I admire you all.